Do you ever get that feeling that you’ve got Tinder nailed? (Spoiler – you probably haven’t, take it from one who has been there).
I was feeling remarkably chipper just after going back onto Tinder. Two quality dates in two days, the kind that usually would take me weeks or months and lots of chats to find. I was feeling unnaturally good.
Both were as attractive as their profile photos (no mean feat as we all know) and chatty. In both cases there seemed to be a real tangible energy between us. They both seemed really interested in me. What could possibly go wrong?
Counting those lovely chickens
Both had said they would like to see me again and one had repeatedly touched my arm during the date.
I’m not a novice to this world and I know that promises to meet up again extracted under duress count for nothing.
If you ask your date face-to-face whether they’d like to meet up again they’re almost certain to stammer something out about how they’d love to, just to avoid dealing with the messy awkwardness of a refusal.
But in both of these cases the women had actually volunteered that they would be keen to meet up again — so no worries there.
As I reflected on how well it it all gone I felt like I was floating on clouds.
I was used to tough sessions of several months on the online dating apps, plowing through dates and conversations until I found someone whom it clicked with.
I had also done enough online dating to know that even the best prospects can come to nothing so I didn’t want to count my chickens. But then there were two of them, so even if one fell through I would still be left with the other.
Even better, that gave me the luxury of choosing which one I liked best.
I congratulated myself and allowed myself to feel a certain pleasure that this might be an exceptionally short spell in dating purgatory.
The first clouds appear in my idyll
Flash forward three days and the first storm clouds in my previously clear blue skies started to appear.
One of my dates, a pretty Argentinean psychologist with flashing eyes – the one who had initiated all the flirtatious touching – had suddenly started a new work venture which left her no time at all to speak. I mean none.
Strangely during the date itself I hadn’t recalled any mention of this, but there were a few things she had said that I hadn’t completely understood through her singsong Argentinian accent so maybe that explained it.
As she promised we would talk in a day or two only to find new reasons not to be able to do so gradually I began to feel the ominous return to a reality I had so far I managed to avoid
But I reassured myself. First of all she had assured me in the dates that as a psychologist the one thing she really hated was leading people on or behaving dishonestly in any way.
And it was her who had suggested meeting again, remember?
Aren’t psychologists not allowed to lie when dating? Oh…
The mere fact she was a psychologist made me give her the benefit of the doubt. Surely these people were honor-bound to behave well.
But more time stretched by without word from her and my doubts intensified. I had probably made a mistake in taking her at her word.
So far I had felt so confident that one or other of these dates would end up that I hadn’t gone back onto the dating platform at all (the local equivalent of Match.com).
Now I did just that and what did I see? Yes , my psychologist friend was on there right now.
So much for not having enough time…
I quickly sent her a message saying that it would be nice to see her again but I wasn’t sure she was feeling the same enthusiasm as me.
Reality came crashing back a little bit closer almost immediately. She wrote very quickly to say that she was sorry, but this new work project was proving to be very intense and couldn’t think see anybody right now (except new new people on the online dating site, right?)
Despite feeling a certain chill wind of rejection I wasn’t too worried though because I still had my other date.
In fact I was so keen on the idea of having a ready-made backup plan I’d almost not noticed that she was showing signs of ambivalence as well.
Rejection – the bread and butter of dating
In her case the obstacle to conversation was that her brother-in-law was sick with a moderately serious illness that could end up requiring surgery. Sickness in the situations is very tricky. You have to give people space and you can’t force the issue the same way you might in other circumstances.
So I had no choice but to back off and give her a bit of time and the benefit of the doubt that it was this that was causing her reticence and not any feelings (or lack of them) for me.
After all, like the psychologist she had also announced herself to be a stickler for truthfulness.
What she could not abide was false signals or any kind of insincerity in general. Or at least so she said.
In our second date she seemed lovely but rather distracted.
When this happened a few days in a row I took another deep breath. Perhaps you could do with a bit of space to deal with this, I said. Maybe now isn’t a good time for you to be in a relationship.
She agreed with that assessment a little too quickly. Yes, she said. She was very sorry. Under any other circumstances she would love to meet again but her mind was simply not on romance at this time (in fact she was still visiting the online dating site, so so much for her love of truth). It was better we left it at that.
Within hours both my dates had pulled out of what i had almost fancied was the race for my heart. That would show me.
Time to get real and learn a few lessons
At which point the hot sting of rejection – multiplied by two now that my other option had revealed itself to be as fanciful as the first – made its presence known.
Rejection is such a common part of dating it’s almost bread and butter. But there is a special kind of pain that comes when someone you would’ve really liked to have got to know better gives you an early brush off.
When it happened twice in succession it felt to me like a kind of a kind of perfect storm.
Two quality, attractive women, both apparently falling for me, had suckered me into letting down my guard.
It was partly because it was a new spell, post-relationship. But I doubt I would have let myself get so carried away if I’d been in the dating world for a few months rather than days.
What also threw me in both cases was that both were self-declared defenders of the truth and I felt slightly deceived by their excuses when. I felt like it was unnecessary for them to have gone that extra mile.
After all it’s much easier to take rejection if someone hasn’t got our hopes up. But taking people’s comments at face value in dating is also a sign of great innocence.
Love-hungry energy vampire seeks psychic sustenance
Nobody ever describes themselves as a “love-hungry energy vampire” on Tinder but there are plenty of them plastered across the dating sites. People exaggerate their virtues and minimize their vices.
There’s also another way of looking at this.
Who knows what they were thinking really? Maybe they genuinely did feel like seeing me again at the time. All of us have had first dates where we felt enthusiastic about seeing the other person in the immediate afterglow of the date only for the enthusiasm to fade as we remember certain things about them said that don’t quite fit in with what we’re looking for.
And maybe the reason they both dragged things out a little bit was because they actually liked me in some respect. After all it’s much easier to say no to someone you have absolutely nothing in common with than someone you’re not sure if you like or not.
Starting to see things clearly
And now that I was no longer blinded by my expectations I started to realize that there were things about both of them that would’ve made it hard for us to be compatible, I just hadn’t spotted them at the time.
Maybe they were even telling the truth about the time not being right. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve had someone brush me off initially only to pop back up again a few months later when their circumstances have changed.
And another thing that I might’ve given little emphasis to at the time but which was that both of them wrote me complementary messages on how much they had enjoyed getting to know me.
Sure maybe it’s just soothing words but given that I will honestly never know exactly what was going through their minds, seeing it this way at least makes me feel better. And in the stormy world of dating, that is no small thing.
I thought that after several occasional lengthy online dating campaigns – each one ended when I finally found when I found a partner – that I was immune to dating pain.
But I knew this was going to hurt.
By Max
