If there was one dating superpower I could choose to have (apart from being irresistibly gorgeous) being able to guess exactly how much how a date is into me would rank high on the list.
I’ve wasted quite a lot of time, money and especially emotional energy on people who in the end simply weren’t into me. This is the first of a multi-part series on how to tell if your date is into you digging out the best of the advice on the web as well as adding a bit of my own. Here I look at body language.
The impracticality of modern dating advice
The problem with so much advice online is that it’s so impractical to put it into action in the heat of the moment.
I’ve often seen articles talking about how, when we are attracted to somebody, our pupils dilate, so we should look for signs of that in our dates. It’s the kind of information that could be really useful… If you are an FBI investigator. But I’m not sure all of it is much help to a person on a date.
Measuring pupil dilation – or staring psychotically?
Picture the scene: you’re chatting up your date in a candle-lit restaurant. Noticing a strange and intense expression on your face they whisper: “You’re so very romantic – the way you’re staring deep into my eyes is remarkably passionate.”
“Actually,” you say. “I’m just trying to check if your pupils are dilated but the light is a bit poor. Could you lift your head slightly?”
It feels involved and impractical. You might as well take your date’s pulse or use one of those scientific devices to measure their genital arousal levels (disclaimer – do not request to take your date’s pulse or measure their genital arousal levels). So is there an easier way to decipher body language?
The three second rule
It often used to be said in dating literature that we decided if someone was attractive within the first minutes of meeting them. It turns out we decide if we fancy our date in the first three seconds.
That’s according to a study done in December last year at the University of Penn of 10,000 speed daters.
I haven’t seen that translated into much sound body language advice but it ties in with my own experience.
Pay very close attention to your date’s reaction to you within the first seconds of meeting.
If you are alert in these very first few moments of the date, before social conditioning kicks in and we start to be polite you have a good chance of spotting someone’s true reactions.
Unfiltered reactions
Think that whenever we’re about to go on a first date, especially if we haven’t laid eyes on this person before, we have built up an image of them.
Our reaction to this very first moment when we see what they are really like tends to be unfiltered.
Occasionally on the first date I’ve seen a sudden smile creep across the face of someone who I’ve impressed.
Other times I’ve seen a kind of carefully studied neutrality, which nearly always means they’re not feeling it.
It’s not fair or pretty but if the person doesn’t match up to our expectations we tend to think “back to the drawing board.”
The killer look – neutral detachment
That’s why I find the most clearest signal that the person isn’t interested in you tends to be a kind of neutral detachment, as if they are temporarily thinking of something else.
And occasionally I’ve even been able to spot clear signs of disappointment in dates who lack a poker face.
I am one of those people. I’ve noticed in my own reactions that sometimes I just can’t help but hide a kind of smile when I lay eyes on a date who I instantly get a good feeling off.
Conversely if someone really doesn’t meet my expectations my expression will probably be neutral or even show a flicker of disappointment or disinterest.
Preening – not just for canaries
If someone’s into you they will make small, barely-perceptible gestures to check on their appearance and the effect they are having on you. As a man dating women I’m not sure this is especially useful as many women are serial preeners and will preen whether they like you or not. But for women analysing men it may be a much more valuable yardstick. Body language experts also tell us to watch where people point their legs – away from you is not a good sign apparently.
Smiling and touching
It’s often said that smiling and a bit of light touching are sure signs of attraction. I can’t deny that there is a certain truth in this. However beware.
Not so long ago I went on a date with a South American woman who could hardly keep her hands off me or stop flashing her pearly whites. “This is looking good,” I found myself thinking.
It took a few days to discover she wasn’t into me. People from some cultural backgrounds are very touchy-feely. Others may be from conserviative social backgrounds which means while they are wildly into you they keep their feelings bottled up.
Put the signs together
It pays not to read too much into these things by themselves. That goes for all of the signs. A lot of body language expert stress is that any sign in isolation is worth less than several together.
However with a little more presence of mind we can gain a valuable early warning system by looking at all the signs together.
PS: Part 2 of this series is now up. Check it out to find out what messaging can tell you about whether your date is into you.
By Max
