There are many things in life that we expect to become less painful once we get better at them — carpentry for example. Unfortunately dating is not necessarily one of those things.
The problem is that in dating there are few things more painful than a very near miss. If I go on a date with someone who I quickly realise I have little in common with or don’t find very attractive, the disappointment is fairly minimal.
Likewise if my date is probably a touch out of my league and seems to be uninterested in me from the start, I don’t generally have high hopes to be dashed.
High hopes = high risk
On the other hand, if I find I have a real quality date who I like and who might be into me then that opens up several possibilities – most of them painful.
The most obvious is rejection. It doesn’t really matter if some unattainably beautiful person gives us the brush off.
But when we think we have a real chance with this person, rejection is a lot more personal.
When I look back over past dates the only ones that have really left any trace of pain are those where someone I really liked wasn’t into me but they weren’t completely out of my league.
Beware the hidden flaw
But there is another common painful outcome from successful dates and that is when we discover something about this person we don’t like.
It happened to me not long ago when I was kissing someone. She tasted bad. In fact it felt like my tonsils were being probed by some alien life form. Actually it hurt, something kissing most definitely should not do.
I don’t think kissing alone was the reason why things fell through between us but it seemed to symbolise that gulf that wasn’t apparent at the first date.
Take heart from near misses
It’s often said that online dating is a numbers game. It’s partly true. In a world where our first date with someone is generally the first time we have laid eyes on them a we miss lots of subtle, visual clues. This means we need lots of dates to find chemistry. But it isn’t only about quantity, it’s also about a quality. And believe me, a few near misses will actually be more painful than a slew of wide-of-the-mark dates. But don’t get too down about that.
Just take heart from the fact that sooner or later one of those near misses is going to turn into a hit. And that’s when the magic can really begin.
By Max
