I was on what felt like a great first date the other day when I had a strange feeling it wasn’t going to work out.
This was nothing to do with the date itself, which was flirtatious and fun.
No, it was remembering something that happened before the date – something which almost grabbed my attention at the time but ended up staying on the edge of my mind.
When your date doesn’t negotiate
What I had remembered was something about when we were arranging to meet. I’d opened what I expected would be the “negotiations” about where and when by asking what kind of time and place might work for her.
You know the way it goes: you find out where both of you are coming from and what kind of times might fit. You find a compromise.
The message came back: “Tuesday 7pm at X Bar”.
That, I said, was pretty specific. Not much room for negotiation.
She replied with three laughing emojis.
Little flexibility means little chance
I was slightly put off by her lack of flexibility or consideration for what might work for me. But I figured that as she lived out of town it might not be especially easy for her to make time to see me.
However I had given her the benefits of too much doubt. When we met it emerged we were meeting just below her office – which she comes to every day, and that she had just finished work.
So, as we enjoyed our beers, it suddenly struck me – she was just “fitting me in”.
Audition-type dating leads to flat performance
Women (or men) who tell you to turn up at a certain place at a certain time are not really going on a date with you.
They are inviting you to an audition.
If they really thought there was a serious chance of ending up together they would have negotiated.
When we’re really enthusiastic about someone we don’t risk blowing our chance with them through a simple act of intransigence.
Not into me
The next day I said I’d like to meet her again.
Initially she said she would like to do so too in what was a tellingly short message.
The very shortness and abruptness of the message itself was telling (see this piece about reading between the lines to tell if your date is really into you or not). I thought that if she really wanted to see me she would have written a longer and more elaborate (and more enthusiastic message) but I waited to see if she would expand.
A few hours later she let me know she had had a rethink. Or at least she did eventually.
Nothing more than curious
That second sequence of messages told me she had been curious about meeting me. And that was that.
When I asked if she could be more specific she said I was a great guy, but my sense of humour was too edgy for her and wished me luck.
I think she probably already suspected I would be the wrong fit for her beforehand, which was why she hadn’t been prepared to be flexible.
This was because she had said on her profile she was looking for someone simple and, I paraphrase, non-intense.
“I’m not entirely sure that’s me,” I said when she wrote to me. “I am intense (and funny)!”
When you’re an outside bet
So in the end it wasn’t exactly a disaster. I had had an enjoyable date with an interesting and attractive woman. There was no reason to feel bitter about it, it just didn’t work out.
I would be lying if I didn’t say there was a slight sense of disappointment on my part that she wasn’t into me but that’s life.
However at the same time it’s always interesting to learn dating lessons and here I felt I had just been given a new one.
If a woman (or a man) goes on a date with you and refuses to negotiate on the time and place, you should adjust your expectations downwards accordingly.
You are, at very best, an outside chance.
By Max
