By The other day I was listening to a famous podcast where two women were instructing guys on how to perform cunnilingus and do it right.
The hosts were claiming they had a cunnilingus technique where guys would go from being “zeros to heroes”. All they had to do was to follow the points outlined in their list.
As they sounded like they knew what they were talking about I promptly cleared my schedule. This is the kind of thing I felt I needed to know. And when it comes to pleasuring ladies, knowledge can never come too soon.
Nothing more than a tease
Sadly afterwards I felt as gullible as someone who’d just received an email from a “well-connected Nigerian diplomat” promising a great financial opportunity and thought this would soon make them rich.
I get it – a lot of men are bad at oral sex. I even recognise that I am one of them. At least this is the case if I’m not into her that much or she’s a “jaw breaker” who takes hours to climax.
However, these “life changing” tips mainly involved a lot of teasing. This was followed by paying more attention to the zone immediately around the vulva as well as the clitoris before “getting in there”.
In other words pretty much reinventing the clitoral wheel.
Maybe I was missing something. Just in case, I decided to try out the recommendations on my “special” friend.
Swooping in
The teasing approach is already pretty standard for me. But to be fair to the podcast ladies I decided to follow their instructions to the letter and swoop slowly around with my tongue.
The podcast outlined a series of points:
It encouraged guys to tease the external labia, the lower belly, even the inner thigh.
Then it told them to kiss the whole body before you even get to the vagina. And go on to expose the clit, whether “it’s a hoodie or crew neck” and put one or two fingers barely in.
The bionic tongue quandry
My friend who I’ve written about in these pages before as “the six shooter” and I have often discussed cunnilingus.
He thinks there’s a definite science behind it and that with practice one can become a pussy-licking pistolero.
I respect the six shooter’s opinions because he really thinks about these things. In fact he is an obsessive.
But I don’t always agree with him.
I think the only real “silver bullet” for the vagina is a hyper-fast flicking motion at the tip of the tongue.
The problem is that unless you’ve got a bionic tongue you’re only going to be able to sustain that for a minute.
And if you overdo it, as I have a couple of times, you end up with a case of strained tongue.
Muscle strains of any kind are never pleasant but a muscle strain in the tongue is uniquely nasty.
One size doesn’t fit all
The problem is that perhaps unbeknown to the women who wrote the podcast, the same technique doesn’t work for all women.
As I dallied and dived around her lady parts for example, my special friend for example started to thrust her hips at me. It was a pretty obvious way of saying “get on with it”.
Afterwards (around 25 minutes later…phew) as I relaxed my jaw muscles she gave me her opinion.
“I thought the podcast girls were going to teach you some amazing tongue movement, whereas it was exactly like normal, although slower,” she said.
I’m going to take a huge leap here podcast girls. I’m going to suggest that a heterosexual woman who hasn’t actually given many other women head is probably not the best judge of what is good technique.
It seems to me that a woman’s definition of what is good cunnilingus is wide and subject to their own personal experience.
What is leg-tremblingly intense for one may be “meh” for another.
Feel it (unless you don’t)
The whole thing about taking it slow is that it shows that you care, that you’re into it.
It’s my guess that this is what is really behind those instructions.
Every woman is wired so differently. And what women really want is to know that you’re into it.
And let’s face it we aren’t always into it. Sometimes we’re only paying, ahem… lip service to good head.
But that’s a topic for another post.
