By You’ve seen something like it in your own dating life. You have a partner who is sexy and wise in ways you haven’t often seen before. You provide company for each other. You console each other when you’ve had a bad day and feel pleased for each other when something’s gone right. Your lives start to grow entwined. Perhaps, above all, you get along absolutely brilliantly in bed.
Growing apart as a couple
But maybe the whole thing is just sinking under the weight of so many downsides. Maybe she has irritating kids or wants too much time from you. Maybe she doesn’t want to see you enough. Perhaps she wants to change you.
Maybe you don’t get along that well in bed.
In my case there were several things. A small baby – who I liked – but I’d already outgrown the phase when I could be woken up by a crying baby on a regular basis.
There were her attention-seeking dogs and their stinking farts and skittering restlessness at night. This meant I couldn’t get a good night’s sleep in her bed.
Feeling manipulated
There was the fact that we could only ever meet at her place because she didn’t want to leave her kid alone and she didn’t have a good relationship with her ex.
There was the fact she was a mean drunk (I haven’t posted about that part yet but I will).
And there was the sense of feeling manipulated – that it wasn’t, as she kept saying, that she loved me, but rather that she wanted me to get me to behave in a certain way.
A toxic relationship
Biologists measure toxicity of substances according to how many mice a standard dose would kill.
Let’s just say the toxicity of this relationship would be enough to kill the rodent population of a small country.
So despite the fact that it took some time for my sex addled-brain to process what I had to do, I ended up breaking up with her.
Mistake 1 – not running with it when she left me
Weeks into the relationship she had ordered me out of our house at midnight and told me the relationship was over. It was because I’d asked her if she was drunk.
I’d known she wouldn’t like it. But I’d gone ahead anyway because she was drunk.
And the fact that she lost control of her emotions testified to that fact.
It wasn’t the only time she said she was ending the relationship. But every time she managed to cajole me back.
Why it was a mistake
I should have taken those break ups and run with them.
I actually knew at the time in each case that the breakup was a kind of blessing.
When later on it became incredibly hard to end the relationship because she simply refused to accept it, I realised what a mistake I’d made at this point.
It’s actually much easier to split up with someone when they are the one that initiates the split.
After all there’s an easy line to trot out in those circumstances.
“No you were right. You correctly intuited that it would never work.”
Mistake 2 – leaving it too long to leave her
So I had known months before that we would end up breaking up.
But I’d put it off. I realised I was scared of the drama it would create.
In fact, I was scared of what she would do – with some reason in fact.
She ended up doing some quite stalky things.
Things like contacting friends of mine who she hadn’t even met.
And claiming she was going to ask a relative who was a lawyer to drum up some fake legal charges against me.
Why it was a mistake
It got harder rather than easier to break up with her.
I used to look down on people with toxic relationships who got into this cycle.
But it wasn’t until we’d been together for 5 months that I was decisive enough to leave her.
And by leaving it to this point I’d wasted four extra months in a toxic relationship.
Mistake 3 – not blocking her
Ever been in that cycle where someone one day tells you you’re a piece of shit? Then the next day they tell you they can’t live without you?
And then they do it over and over again?
Then they ask you to explain the reasons why you left over and over again.
They are hoping that each time that it will be different.
It’s like having to kill a baby seal. Only not kill it once, but kill it over and over again.
Why it was a mistake
Various friends had urged me to block her. Others said I should hear her out.
But then I underwent a month of daily pleading/threatening whatsapps.
That other favourite of recently dumped partners – the long list of personal defects– made several appearances.
Incidentally, how is it that people think that they are going to get back together with you like this?
I mean lists of how we are cruel, stingy, fat, stupid and uncreative alternating with desperate pleading is not a seductive tactic.
At any rate I realised the first group of friends were right.
And blocked her for some much needed peace.
Mistake 4 – meeting up with her
For about the first week after leaving her it was a particularly intense. She was sending me messages, sometimes several times a day.
Pictures of her with her kids, pictures of her naked.
And above all she was trying to persuade me to meet up.
Eventually she convinced me this would help her draw a line under the relationship and move on.
Why it was a mistake
It’s quite simple really. Mistake number four did not help her draw a line under the relationship.
Instead the second that she met me she kissed me hard on the mouth.
Like with a lot of relationships, even once you’ve broken up the chemistry is still there.
Me being me, this led to mistake number 5.
Mistake 5 – having sex with her
You don’t really even need me to explain this one do you? I feel that you, the reader are far ahead of me here.
I was stupid for obvious reasons. And it wasn’t even the first time I’ve been stupid in this way.
If anybody wants to know how it happened look at my previous post where I talk about having sex with an ex.
See how that ended up.
And then you’ll have a good idea what happened after I had sex with this ex.
