So you’ve both swiped right on Tinder, a match has been made and desire is in the air.
The next step is just a matter of course, right? You’ll engage in a bit of sexy banter, meet up, get to check each other out in person, see if the attraction holds up in real life. Wrong.
Way more likely is that the whole thing will grind to a halt on three simple words: “How’s it going?”

A libido killer

More harmful to the possibility of romantic success than lecherous adulterers, bots using fake profiles to try and trick us into giving up our savings, ghosts, zombies and breadcrumbers are those simple three words.
If I look at my past matches, inummerable promising dates never came about because the conversation lies abandoned, weeds growing around it.
It’s not like “how are you?” is any better, nor “hi” nor “hey”. None of them really do anything about putting off the responsibility for starting the real conversation onto the other person.
And that is not sexy.

Uncomplicated simpletonery

Ok where I live people actually don’t speak English so in my case it’s usually another configuration with the same meaning.
But the principle still holds true.
In the Mediterranean city where I live uncomplicated extroversion is culturally prized.
To be an outgoing simpleton is seen as virtually the epitome of human consciousness.
It has its good points but what it also means is that almost every dating conversation starts this way with some variation of this.
Even when I send the first message – and I always try and come up with something original – alot of women simply disregard it and reply with “hi”.

Kingdom of the bland

If you’ve never been on these apps, imagine a zombie forest where the undead wander blindly about murmuring same phrases over and over again.
In this case it isn’t “I want to eat your brains” – though that would almost be more interesting.
You’re being a bit harsh, I hear you say. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with asking people how they are in real life so why should it be a problem online?

Get unreal

In the real world there is indeed nothing wrong with asking somebody you fancy how are you. In the real world your words can be freighted with a deep sexy meaning.
The object of your affections can look deep into your mysterious pool-like eyes, can hear the raw note of desire in your voice.
The words can be enchanted by the multiple levels your tone conveys.
Online it’s nothing but pixels.
There is nothing to differentiate your “how is it going?” from the other “how’s it goings currently being exchanged across online dating platforms”.

The politeness trap

The biggest problem with asking how it is going is there is one natural answer. We’ve all met people in the real world who answer the question with a long litany of their health problems. The decent thing to do is say “I’m fine.”
Convention also dictates that you must ask the same question back.
Naturally your date, being the polite sort will reply the same way you did.
Given the inevitable time lapse of online dating the whole exchange can sometimes take a few days.
By this time you learn absolutely nothing about your possible date, except that you may well feel slightly more bored by them before.
That freshness, that initial rush of getting to know a new person has already disappeared.

Be part of the solution

What to do about other people using them – and bringing the chat to a shuddering halt is more problematic.
I’ll look at that in another post.
But for now be part of the solution not the problem.
I hope you’ll be persuaded to vanquish these words from your online dating vocabulary.
It doesn’t need to be forever – just until the conversation has been running for a couple of days.
That way you’re asking something you really want to know.